Moved my blog.
Here
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Consider the Following Statement...
“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”
That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
----
So back to Ben. Why am I like this? Pain. And it's exceeding my ability to cope. Do I plan to take my life? No. But I would like to call a couple of people out without naming names: I'm _NOT_ Emo - But I _AM_ in pain. A LOT of you, whom I call my friends, would just wish my pain away, tell me to get over it, to suck it up, to just "move on." It's not that simple, no, shut up, it's not. If it WAS that simple, if I could just MOVE ON, don't you think I WOULD? I don't LIKE being this way. This is NOT a fun, pleasing, or even advantageous place to be! All cons and no pros, and I hate it. So why am I like this? Have you ever stopped to find out before JUDGING how I am?
Some of you will just push me away even more after reading this, writing me off as being weak, looking for attention, whatever. To those of you, and excuse my french, but FUCK YOU. If that's how you really feel, we'd both be better off without each other.
Some of you won't change your stance at all. To you: Get lost with the others. Friends are supposed to help and support each other - I'm not asking you to solve my problems, but a little support in finding the answer goes a long way. Don't offer solutions, because you obviously don't have them, or I'd be better by now - Instead just offer support. That's what I need right now.
Some of you will see that I just need support, and to those of you, I thank you with all my aching heart... Thank you, my true friends...
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”
That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.
Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
----
So back to Ben. Why am I like this? Pain. And it's exceeding my ability to cope. Do I plan to take my life? No. But I would like to call a couple of people out without naming names: I'm _NOT_ Emo - But I _AM_ in pain. A LOT of you, whom I call my friends, would just wish my pain away, tell me to get over it, to suck it up, to just "move on." It's not that simple, no, shut up, it's not. If it WAS that simple, if I could just MOVE ON, don't you think I WOULD? I don't LIKE being this way. This is NOT a fun, pleasing, or even advantageous place to be! All cons and no pros, and I hate it. So why am I like this? Have you ever stopped to find out before JUDGING how I am?
Some of you will just push me away even more after reading this, writing me off as being weak, looking for attention, whatever. To those of you, and excuse my french, but FUCK YOU. If that's how you really feel, we'd both be better off without each other.
Some of you won't change your stance at all. To you: Get lost with the others. Friends are supposed to help and support each other - I'm not asking you to solve my problems, but a little support in finding the answer goes a long way. Don't offer solutions, because you obviously don't have them, or I'd be better by now - Instead just offer support. That's what I need right now.
Some of you will see that I just need support, and to those of you, I thank you with all my aching heart... Thank you, my true friends...
Friday, May 1, 2009
My Chinese Zodiac - The Rabbit
I don't believe in horoscopes, but this is pretty damn accurate.
Timid and attractive, the Rabbits of the Chinese Zodiac tend to act more like bunnies, whether they like it or not! This Sign is extremely popular and has a wide circle of family and friends. Its compassionate nature leads it to be very protective of those it holds dear, but where romance is concerned, the Rabbit's sentimentality can lead it to idealize relationships. The sweet, sensitive Rabbit often ends up giving more of itself to a partner than is realistic or healthy. The good news is, when this Sign goes off-balance, the Rabbit's core group of friends and its stable home life help bring it back to center.
The Rabbit is a rather delicate Sign that needs a solid base in order to thrive. Lacking close, supportive friends and family, the Rabbit might just break down in tears at the first sign of conflict. Emotional upsets in this Sign's life can even lead to physical illnesses. Rabbits dislike arguments and other conflict and will try anything to avoid a fight; this results in something of a pushover nature. Rabbits can also lapse into pessimism and may seem stuck in life -- often to mask their insecure natures. Rabbits tend to move through life's lessons at their own, rather contemplative pace; it's a waste of time to become exasperated with this Sign's seeming disinterest in facing its problems and conquering them.
With the right partner -- meaning someone whose high principles won't allow it to take advantage of this sensitive, giving Sign -- the Rabbit can make an incredibly loving and protective partner or family member. Rabbits love to entertain at home and always make sure their house is comfortable and tastefully-furnished. What Rabbits need most is a stronger sense of self-worth and the security that comes with it. Their discerning natures, coupled with some hard-won assertiveness, will help these happy creatures go far.
Timid and attractive, the Rabbits of the Chinese Zodiac tend to act more like bunnies, whether they like it or not! This Sign is extremely popular and has a wide circle of family and friends. Its compassionate nature leads it to be very protective of those it holds dear, but where romance is concerned, the Rabbit's sentimentality can lead it to idealize relationships. The sweet, sensitive Rabbit often ends up giving more of itself to a partner than is realistic or healthy. The good news is, when this Sign goes off-balance, the Rabbit's core group of friends and its stable home life help bring it back to center.
The Rabbit is a rather delicate Sign that needs a solid base in order to thrive. Lacking close, supportive friends and family, the Rabbit might just break down in tears at the first sign of conflict. Emotional upsets in this Sign's life can even lead to physical illnesses. Rabbits dislike arguments and other conflict and will try anything to avoid a fight; this results in something of a pushover nature. Rabbits can also lapse into pessimism and may seem stuck in life -- often to mask their insecure natures. Rabbits tend to move through life's lessons at their own, rather contemplative pace; it's a waste of time to become exasperated with this Sign's seeming disinterest in facing its problems and conquering them.
With the right partner -- meaning someone whose high principles won't allow it to take advantage of this sensitive, giving Sign -- the Rabbit can make an incredibly loving and protective partner or family member. Rabbits love to entertain at home and always make sure their house is comfortable and tastefully-furnished. What Rabbits need most is a stronger sense of self-worth and the security that comes with it. Their discerning natures, coupled with some hard-won assertiveness, will help these happy creatures go far.
Ten Four Good Buddy
Well, I'm probably going to enlist into the military. I'm unhappy with the direction my life is (or isn't) going in, tired of feeling stuck, tired of trying to find money to get back to college and never getting the hours I need (in a job that, honestly, I hate). So I'm going to enlist in the Army and try and put some of my crazy life back together... and get paid to learn some awesome life skills. And, hey, other guys in uniform seem to have no problem finding a lovely woman to call their own - Maybe it'll work for a nerd like me, too.
But anyway, on to more ramblings... which I have not done in a long while...
I saw Wolverine: Origins or whatever it was called tonight. Didn't like it that much. They _REALLY_ screwed up on Deadpool. I mean, REALLY messed up. That is not the Wade I know and love... nowhere NEAR it. Ugh... And don't even get me started on Gambit...
I've decided never again to go to a midnight showing of a movie... no, I'm not "exhausted" after I go to them (quite the opposite, usually), but I'm lonely. What, lonely? Yes, lonely. I walk to my car - alone. I drive home - alone. I get home, quietly, and go up to my room - alone. No one to say goodnight to (they're asleep), no one to greet me. It's kind of cold and depressing...
Ever driven on the road in the twilight hours, especially roads not connected to any major highways? They're empty. That just adds to the loneliness - The quiet, dark, empty loneliness.
Now, before I'm written off as an emo, no, I'm not a dark, empty soul whom no one cares about. I have a lot of caring friends and I have a great, loving family. I'm not "alone." At least not all the time. But it's in those dark, quiet moments when loneliness REALLY hits me... And I just can't seem to shake it.
I really need a good cheering up... Maybe I'll just try to close my eyes and sleep, do my best to enjoy tomorrow... Er, or, today.
Whatever!
Current Song Addiction - Panic Switch by the Silversun Pickups
But anyway, on to more ramblings... which I have not done in a long while...
I saw Wolverine: Origins or whatever it was called tonight. Didn't like it that much. They _REALLY_ screwed up on Deadpool. I mean, REALLY messed up. That is not the Wade I know and love... nowhere NEAR it. Ugh... And don't even get me started on Gambit...
I've decided never again to go to a midnight showing of a movie... no, I'm not "exhausted" after I go to them (quite the opposite, usually), but I'm lonely. What, lonely? Yes, lonely. I walk to my car - alone. I drive home - alone. I get home, quietly, and go up to my room - alone. No one to say goodnight to (they're asleep), no one to greet me. It's kind of cold and depressing...
Ever driven on the road in the twilight hours, especially roads not connected to any major highways? They're empty. That just adds to the loneliness - The quiet, dark, empty loneliness.
Now, before I'm written off as an emo, no, I'm not a dark, empty soul whom no one cares about. I have a lot of caring friends and I have a great, loving family. I'm not "alone." At least not all the time. But it's in those dark, quiet moments when loneliness REALLY hits me... And I just can't seem to shake it.
I really need a good cheering up... Maybe I'll just try to close my eyes and sleep, do my best to enjoy tomorrow... Er, or, today.
Whatever!
Current Song Addiction - Panic Switch by the Silversun Pickups
Thursday, September 25, 2008
DnD test
I Am A: Neutral Good Human Bard/Cleric (2nd/1st Level)
Ability Scores:
Strength-15
Dexterity-18
Constitution-16
Intelligence-16
Wisdom-18
Charisma-18
Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Primary Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.
Secondary Class:
Clerics act as intermediaries between the earthly and the divine (or infernal) worlds. A good cleric helps those in need, while an evil cleric seeks to spread his patron's vision of evil across the world. All clerics can heal wounds and bring people back from the brink of death, and powerful clerics can even raise the dead. Likewise, all clerics have authority over undead creatures, and they can turn away or even destroy these creatures. Clerics are trained in the use of simple weapons, and can use all forms of armor and shields without penalty, since armor does not interfere with the casting of divine spells. In addition to his normal complement of spells, every cleric chooses to focus on two of his deity's domains. These domains grants the cleric special powers, and give him access to spells that he might otherwise never learn. A cleric's Wisdom score should be high, since this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
Ability Scores:
Strength-15
Dexterity-18
Constitution-16
Intelligence-16
Wisdom-18
Charisma-18
Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Primary Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.
Secondary Class:
Clerics act as intermediaries between the earthly and the divine (or infernal) worlds. A good cleric helps those in need, while an evil cleric seeks to spread his patron's vision of evil across the world. All clerics can heal wounds and bring people back from the brink of death, and powerful clerics can even raise the dead. Likewise, all clerics have authority over undead creatures, and they can turn away or even destroy these creatures. Clerics are trained in the use of simple weapons, and can use all forms of armor and shields without penalty, since armor does not interfere with the casting of divine spells. In addition to his normal complement of spells, every cleric chooses to focus on two of his deity's domains. These domains grants the cleric special powers, and give him access to spells that he might otherwise never learn. A cleric's Wisdom score should be high, since this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
Sunday, April 27, 2008
I Hate The Way I Feel
It's funny how 8 years of love can be destroyed in seconds.
Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You've given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you'll see my heart is true
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
(You know sometimes deep inside)
I feel like this
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You've given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you'll see my heart is true
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
(You know sometimes deep inside)
I feel like this
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Monday, April 7, 2008
It's not the way you see me, It's the way you let me down
As I sit here in my room, at 1:26 AM... I find myself with too much time to think, and not enough energy left to do anything else other than to express these thoughts in the only way I know how, the only way I'm comfortable with. I'm frustrated.
Why? Because I am stuck in a conflict with no apparent resolutions. It's no secret I struggle with self-confidence and self-image, and I have low self-esteem. A boost to this is several women have told me I'm not only good looking, but if they weren't dating anyone, they'd date me.
And therein lies the double-edged blade. I'm the second choice.
I'm always the seeming backup plan. The rebound guy. A safety net. Pulled along by a string, promised the world, but delivered nothing... nothing but more promises...
It's been happening more and more. This frustration builds... It becomes a sort of down feeling... then it boils over and becomes a slightly snappy mood...
And then inevitably becomes the feeling that drives me: Rage. But my rage has 2 sides - A rage that burns and pushes me to be more, do more, see more... And a rage that longs for destruction - of others and self. The latter has reared its head a couple of times in recent days, kept in check only by a God-Given will...
I've been having this recurring dream, as odd as it will sound. I'm standing in this field with a rather large 2-handed blade. I'm fighting this endless onslaught of... I don't even know. The ground all around me continues to cave and give and fall away... Then out of nowhere, my best friend Jason shows up, with a blade of his own, and together we just continue to fight the onslaught... Two silent, solitary figures battling a relentless world. There's a nice feeling of knowing he's got my back through this...
But I can't shake the feeling of how both very much alone we both are. I really hope he doesn't feel the same way in real life. I hope he never has to see and deal with half the shit I've had to. I don't really worry about him much, he's a strong one, but I know he and I are similar in many ways... And I know I'm feeling an every growing sting of loneliness.
I don't even miss Denise anymore... But I miss having someone to hold. Someone to love. Someone to share my life, love, and fears with. Someone to hold my heart when I've suffered. Instead, all I can find are those who cause the suffering.
A part of me feels like all I need is a chance. A chance to just be in the right place, in the right time, with the right person... And I could dazzle the world.
But sometimes, there are just no chances...
Maybe I need to devote myself to solitude and distance...
Why? Because I am stuck in a conflict with no apparent resolutions. It's no secret I struggle with self-confidence and self-image, and I have low self-esteem. A boost to this is several women have told me I'm not only good looking, but if they weren't dating anyone, they'd date me.
And therein lies the double-edged blade. I'm the second choice.
I'm always the seeming backup plan. The rebound guy. A safety net. Pulled along by a string, promised the world, but delivered nothing... nothing but more promises...
It's been happening more and more. This frustration builds... It becomes a sort of down feeling... then it boils over and becomes a slightly snappy mood...
And then inevitably becomes the feeling that drives me: Rage. But my rage has 2 sides - A rage that burns and pushes me to be more, do more, see more... And a rage that longs for destruction - of others and self. The latter has reared its head a couple of times in recent days, kept in check only by a God-Given will...
I've been having this recurring dream, as odd as it will sound. I'm standing in this field with a rather large 2-handed blade. I'm fighting this endless onslaught of... I don't even know. The ground all around me continues to cave and give and fall away... Then out of nowhere, my best friend Jason shows up, with a blade of his own, and together we just continue to fight the onslaught... Two silent, solitary figures battling a relentless world. There's a nice feeling of knowing he's got my back through this...
But I can't shake the feeling of how both very much alone we both are. I really hope he doesn't feel the same way in real life. I hope he never has to see and deal with half the shit I've had to. I don't really worry about him much, he's a strong one, but I know he and I are similar in many ways... And I know I'm feeling an every growing sting of loneliness.
I don't even miss Denise anymore... But I miss having someone to hold. Someone to love. Someone to share my life, love, and fears with. Someone to hold my heart when I've suffered. Instead, all I can find are those who cause the suffering.
A part of me feels like all I need is a chance. A chance to just be in the right place, in the right time, with the right person... And I could dazzle the world.
But sometimes, there are just no chances...
Maybe I need to devote myself to solitude and distance...
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