Finals

Finals today. Moderately nervous... Not about my first class (which I am acing), but my second one..

I know the material as well as I ever will, but...

Something inside me is still worried.

Or maybe it's gas.

Solitude

I sit alone in my room a lot. Probably to an unhealthy extent, but... It's here, in the solitude, that I find my inspirations. My stories and ideas... my imagination... comes to life here. And therein lies my problem.

I have all these stories, these dreams, these ideas locked inside my head, yet I maybe let one out of a thousand out every couple of months. Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid of being shot down and mocked for them.

When I was younger, I openly shared my fantasy world, and invited others to play in it as well. I was happy, I was fun to be around, I had a lot of friends. Everyone seemed to love me, and love hanging out with me. What happened?

I say this a lot, but I mean it - King's happened. My classmates there were far less than receptive of my ideas and imagination, and were quick to brutally shoot down my ideas. With every idea blown out of the sky before it even had a chance to spread its wings, I began to offer them up less and less, losing more and more confidence in myself. I also withdrew more to myself, being less outgoing and open, because of the fear of being mocked... Plus after all those ideas that got shot down, a lot of people thought I was a freak (I heard all the talk behind my back). For the first time in my life, that I can recall, I was genuinely unhappy.

Are people like me still out there? In a world that is now so literal and scientific, is there room for the dreamers? The make believe knights of imagination? The hope of something behind explanation?

I feel like I don't have a place here. I feel alone.

Ironic then, isn't it, that my heart longs for the solitude it needs to dream... yet dreads the loneliness of it.

The conundrum that is me.

Human

Where once I was innocent, I longed to be accepted. To be "fully human." So I jepordized all I stood for and all I held dear to find that acceptance. I guess I got what I wanted, but how I miss that blissful innocence...

Kikaider, years later, I still indentify with you.

Seeing Red Again

I'm not sure what's with me lately - I'm in an odd state of angst I think. I'm bitter and angry, but at the same time, I'm content and confident. I'm happy, yet pissed. I can't really describe it. It's odd. I have a lot of pent up energy, and no (safe) way to vent it. It's driving me a bit mad.

Chevelle. I used to not be able to listen to them, because they immediately reminded me of Denise. I've been listening to them a lot lately, which may have helped put me in this mood.

Although if you want to know how I really feel. Hell Yeah's "You Wouldn't Know" seems to fit me well.



You couldn’t be, you couldn’t be me even if you wanted to,
Everything I’ve been through. You wouldn't know,
Live your life, soaking up all my sunshine,
And smile your whole life,
I wouldn’t know

18 wheels are rolling,
18 wheels are crushing,
Me down,
Running me down
Cars are crashing
Cars are crashin, all around me
Running me down,

All my days are numbered,
All my days are grey,
All my skies are covered,
All my ends are frayed,

You couldn’t be, you couldn’t be me even if you wanted to,
Everything I’ve been through. You wouldn’t know
Live your life, soaking up all my sunshine,
And smile your whole life,
I wouldn’t know

Lightning’s crashin’
Thunder’s rolling all around me,
Bringin me down
Stars are falling,
Fires lighting all around me,
Burning me down

All my days are numbered,
All my days are grey,
All my skies are covered,
All my ends are frayed,

You couldn’t be, you couldn’t be me even if you wanted to,
Everything I’ve been through. You wouldn’t know
Live your life, soaking up all my sunshine,
And smile your whole life,
I wouldn’t know

Feels like I’m falling down,
Inside a fever rising,
Buried my life deep in the ground,
Left my existence lying, so lets go

You couldn’t be, you couldn’t be me even if you wanted to,
Everything I’ve been through.
Live your life, soaking up all my sunshine,
And smile your whole life,
I wouldn’t know

Smash Bros Brawl! Character Select! Wait, huh... Lucas?

And there it is, it seems. The Character screen, finally unveiled. However, I see one problem with that screen. Lucas. He's been announced, so is he an unlockable? Odd that they kept the others unlockables hush-hush, while Lucas was named... but missing from this screen.

Maybe I'm just crazy.