I Hate The Way I Feel

It's funny how 8 years of love can be destroyed in seconds.

Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You've given me so many things that I've never had
And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you'll see my heart is true

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

(You know sometimes deep inside)
I feel like this

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life

It's not the way you see me, It's the way you let me down

As I sit here in my room, at 1:26 AM... I find myself with too much time to think, and not enough energy left to do anything else other than to express these thoughts in the only way I know how, the only way I'm comfortable with. I'm frustrated.

Why? Because I am stuck in a conflict with no apparent resolutions. It's no secret I struggle with self-confidence and self-image, and I have low self-esteem. A boost to this is several women have told me I'm not only good looking, but if they weren't dating anyone, they'd date me.

And therein lies the double-edged blade. I'm the second choice.

I'm always the seeming backup plan. The rebound guy. A safety net. Pulled along by a string, promised the world, but delivered nothing... nothing but more promises...

It's been happening more and more. This frustration builds... It becomes a sort of down feeling... then it boils over and becomes a slightly snappy mood...

And then inevitably becomes the feeling that drives me: Rage. But my rage has 2 sides - A rage that burns and pushes me to be more, do more, see more... And a rage that longs for destruction - of others and self. The latter has reared its head a couple of times in recent days, kept in check only by a God-Given will...

I've been having this recurring dream, as odd as it will sound. I'm standing in this field with a rather large 2-handed blade. I'm fighting this endless onslaught of... I don't even know. The ground all around me continues to cave and give and fall away... Then out of nowhere, my best friend Jason shows up, with a blade of his own, and together we just continue to fight the onslaught... Two silent, solitary figures battling a relentless world. There's a nice feeling of knowing he's got my back through this...

But I can't shake the feeling of how both very much alone we both are. I really hope he doesn't feel the same way in real life. I hope he never has to see and deal with half the shit I've had to. I don't really worry about him much, he's a strong one, but I know he and I are similar in many ways... And I know I'm feeling an every growing sting of loneliness.

I don't even miss Denise anymore... But I miss having someone to hold. Someone to love. Someone to share my life, love, and fears with. Someone to hold my heart when I've suffered. Instead, all I can find are those who cause the suffering.

A part of me feels like all I need is a chance. A chance to just be in the right place, in the right time, with the right person... And I could dazzle the world.

But sometimes, there are just no chances...

Maybe I need to devote myself to solitude and distance...