As I sit here in my room, at 1:26 AM... I find myself with too much time to think, and not enough energy left to do anything else other than to express these thoughts in the only way I know how, the only way I'm comfortable with. I'm frustrated.
Why? Because I am stuck in a conflict with no apparent resolutions. It's no secret I struggle with self-confidence and self-image, and I have low self-esteem. A boost to this is several women have told me I'm not only good looking, but if they weren't dating anyone, they'd date me.
And therein lies the double-edged blade. I'm the second choice.
I'm always the seeming backup plan. The rebound guy. A safety net. Pulled along by a string, promised the world, but delivered nothing... nothing but more promises...
It's been happening more and more. This frustration builds... It becomes a sort of down feeling... then it boils over and becomes a slightly snappy mood...
And then inevitably becomes the feeling that drives me: Rage. But my rage has 2 sides - A rage that burns and pushes me to be more, do more, see more... And a rage that longs for destruction - of others and self. The latter has reared its head a couple of times in recent days, kept in check only by a God-Given will...
I've been having this recurring dream, as odd as it will sound. I'm standing in this field with a rather large 2-handed blade. I'm fighting this endless onslaught of... I don't even know. The ground all around me continues to cave and give and fall away... Then out of nowhere, my best friend Jason shows up, with a blade of his own, and together we just continue to fight the onslaught... Two silent, solitary figures battling a relentless world. There's a nice feeling of knowing he's got my back through this...
But I can't shake the feeling of how both very much alone we both are. I really hope he doesn't feel the same way in real life. I hope he never has to see and deal with half the shit I've had to. I don't really worry about him much, he's a strong one, but I know he and I are similar in many ways... And I know I'm feeling an every growing sting of loneliness.
I don't even miss Denise anymore... But I miss having someone to hold. Someone to love. Someone to share my life, love, and fears with. Someone to hold my heart when I've suffered. Instead, all I can find are those who cause the suffering.
A part of me feels like all I need is a chance. A chance to just be in the right place, in the right time, with the right person... And I could dazzle the world.
But sometimes, there are just no chances...
Maybe I need to devote myself to solitude and distance...
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2 comments:
just read the graffiti everywhere that says "everything is going to be alright"
Ben,
You are not only good looking, but if I weren't(Sounds familiar but wait)jail bait, I'd date you. Unfortunatly, I have low self-esteem, self-image, and self-cofidence as well, but i doubt you'd say the same thing to me. You're an extremely talented person even if you think you're just the rebound guy. I bet there's a girl out there for you, just waiting to find you. Well, Later. ;P
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